Sultan's Market v. People of Illinois

Court Report by Dwight Smith, Esq.

Sultan's market was busy when we arrived on the scene on Wednesday evening. The illicit activity to which we had been alerted clearly had a devoted following.

On white pita we were served falafel accompanied by hummus, tomato, cucumber and a bit of a hot red pepper sauce (we had our choice of "hot, medium or mild," and we hadn't come to gather anything less than the full, gruesome details of the case). A good-sized helping cost $3.75, a suspiciously reasonable price.

Sure enough, the reports we had heard were all true: this was a criminally delicious sandwich. No part of my mouth could say "no," every taste bud in agreement: falafel whose seasonings balanced perfectly on my tongue, a tasty, pleasantly textured hummus, and fresh veggies. The appeal of this fare was truly dangerous to the public. The one improvement that could be imagined was perhaps a toastier pita, and I am always a sucker for tahini, but the sandwich otherwise left very little to be desired.

A vegan cookie was among the offerings as well. It was, of course, our duty to interrogate him as well. His soft pie crust-like exterior gave no indication of the sweet, datish fruity filling hidden within. He was clearly a professional, not too dry, as many of his kind are, though not super moist. A cookie in pie's clothing. A mysterious candied fruit crusty crown adorned his peak, and this is where the road took a decisive turn, as its inclusion in a bite sent everything over the edge.

Our investigation also uncovered evidence of progressive leanings, from the conspicuous labeling of vegan items on the menu, to the meticulous array of waste/recycling receptacles near the exit.

We hope that our findings will lead to conviction on both counts, a felony in the case of the falafel, and for the cookie a misdemeanor of the second degree, at least.

RULING: GUILTY of DELICIOUS in the FIRST DEGREE